excuse me while I scream at the world.

"considering you've made it evident that i was apparently only good enough to be you friend when you thought you maybe had a chance with me, because we haven't been the same since and yeah, i'm bothered by that because that's what it feels like and it makes me think that our friendship was based off of that"

...I can't even begin to process what I'm feeling right now. I don't care? I'm not your friend? I'm sorry, when the fuck did this happen? Words cannot even begin to explain what's going on inside of me right now. I haven't stopped crying since I read those words off of my screen. My chest is tight and I feel like I can't breathe. I love you with everything that I am but if you think for just ONE second that my being friends with you was solely based off of what I felt for you then I don't even know who you are anymore. I don't know who you are. I miss my old friend. This new you? I don't miss at all, and I can do without in my life. Fuck you for thinking that, fuck you for saying that to me. I hate you so much right now, so fucking much and what sucks about that is that I really don't hate you, not even a little bit.

I want to though, you deserve it. How dare you say that to me? I was there when no one was. I was your friend when you had no one in this city. I was there for you. I made sure you ate, I was genuinely concerned and not because I wanted in your pants. If you don't recall I had someone and I was happy. Why did I have to fall for you? It has been the biggest mistake of my life. It cost me friendships and apparently it's not done.

i will make you hurt

What is going on guys? 2009, can you believe it? It started off with a bang! I had the best time in Times Square, granted, I was freezing my fucking ass off but that is beside the point. I had an amazing time with a group of great friends! I adore each and every one of them. I have been so ridiculously busy and I haven't even started filming Gossip Girl again yet, sometime this week though. Yeah, busy busy bee! That's me. Ugh. What can I say though, it's a blast. I'm recording and I have never been in a real studio so it's kind of ridiculously exciting and scary all at once. People actually like what I'm doing so that is reassuring.

I'm working on an EP, just because I want to work on actually writing my own stuff. I mean, I write a lot just haven't sang any of it, but hopefully that'll be changing soon. So much stuff to do, so little time to do it. I don't know when I am going to get a break to breathe soon. I guess I'm happy though, I'm not spending my days thinking about things that I shouldn't so it works out! I am just trying to keep busy and out of trouble, hence why you haven't seen my ugly mug in the media lately.

Anyway, the point of this blog was not for my rambling it was to share my new single because I am impatient and I don't care what the label says. I am sharing with all of you so feel free to take a listen and tell me what you think!

fake smiles get me through the day.
i'm a better actress than i give myself credit for.
i hate this so much, i hate me so much.
i wish someone would just rip my insides out.
i dream so i don't have to feel.

I'm no threat at all.

Life has a way of taking your heart and ripping it from your chest, throwing it on the ground and stomping on it until you're left wondering how you're still breathing. I don't blame you, I blame me. I should have known better than to think that my life could be something other than this- this is what I know, this is what I'm used to.

sober.

how could i be so stupid?
happiness will never live here.
goodbyes never felt so final.
tears haven't stopped flowing.
trying to find the pieces
failing miserably.

if i wish on a star, will it come true?

In a room full of people, I have never felt more alone. Please don't get me wrong, it wasn't the company. The people I were with were your normal fun and crazy family- full of amazing people who I'm lucky to have met. Thing is, they weren't my family. My fun and crazy family. I miss them, more than they could know. Tears spill from my eyes and I can't fight them back anymore. I'm supposed to be having fun and instead I just feel myself falling into this hole that I can't dig myself out of. I don't want to hurt anymore. I can't do this anymore. I can't put up the false image of everything being okay when it couldn't be more far from the truth. I don't want you to worry though, please don't worry- it's not worth your time. I'm not even sure I'm worth my own time anymore. Everything is moving at lightning speeds yet standing still. The world is a million colors and yet I can only see it in black and white. Nothing makes sense anymore and everythings a mess. I miss you and I miss me. I miss who I pretended to be, who I want to be.

So my question is, if i wish on a star..will it come true?

funny- but not funny HA HA.

So I'm sitting here. Just wondering. I should be up and having fun- singing, dancing and drinking but I'm sitting in this chair, nursing my mojito and just thinking. Karma is a real bitch. So Karma, seriously? Just.. fuck you Karma. Fuck you. It's not funny, you can stop anytime now.

It's funny how things can change from great to fucking horrible in no time. How people can go from one end of the spectrum to the other in minutes flat. I'm responsible for everything going wrong and I'm not denying it at all. You can hate me, that's fine. Judge me all you want, hate me all you want. I'll pretend I don't care and that it doesn't bother me until I can't anymore. There's a hole in my life where you used to be. Nothing is replacing it because I still hope that someday this will all turn out to be a nightmare and everything will go back to normal. I know I'm just delusional though. Nothing is changing this. Nothing I can do, nothing I can say. If it were that simple, I would've done it already.

This ends the vague portion of the entry....only vague to some though.

Boston was nice, I love my best friend with all my heart and nothing will ever change that. She's always there for me, no matter how bad I fuck up...because I have fucked up a lot. Especially lately, but I don't expect pity or anything from anyone. I'm thankful for everyone who is still here, and sorry for the ones I've lost along the way. As for the fans who approached me yesterday, wow.. I'm so sorry. I honestly do not remember this morning at all so really, I'm sorry. As for the jerks at TMZ, no.. I'm not sorry for calling you intrusive pricks. I do remember that much.


Tonight was spent with an amazing individual. Miss Memphis of SNL. She knows how to show a girl a good time. HAHA, she's actually singing her heart out right now. Gotta love her and karaoke. She's amazing and she was a great distraction. Tomorrow.. well, later.. will be spent with one of my favorite people in the world. A one Miss Garbo Khiell. We will play doctor (lmao) and record our animal cracker massacre. Oh yes, we're hardcore. After that, Monday will be spent dancing along to her amazing skills at her show which everyone should go to! Seriously, go buy your tickets NOW.

Next week will be nothing short of amazing. I get to spend Thanksgiving (and a few days before that) with one of my favorite people in the world. CJ Walker, I'm looking at you babe. He's going to show me around Vegas and we're going to party like there's no tomorrow. Thanksgiving at his place should be interesting as well. Haha, cannot wait. Seriously. So that's what's going on in the life of Spencer. Tell me world, how are you? tell me you're better than I am.

this was typed out from my phone, i'm a pretty good drunk typist. don't lie.